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Old 10-31-2012, 10:42 PM   #1611 (permalink)
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Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely.


After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form,
called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics
about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P:Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
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Old 10-31-2012, 10:47 PM   #1612 (permalink)
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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie. He tests it on his son at supper. Father asks his son, "Where were you last night?" Son replies, "I was at the library." Robot slaps son. "Ok I was at a friends house." "Doing what?" asked the father. "Watching a movie." says the son. "What movie?" asks the father. "Toy Story." Robot slaps son. "Ok it was porn!" cried the son. Father yells, "What?! When I was your age I didn't know what
porn was!" Robot slaps the father. The mother laughs and says "He certainly is your son." Robot slaps the mother.
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Old 10-31-2012, 10:59 PM   #1613 (permalink)
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blonde orders a beer.
The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.
It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them...
The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.
Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens.
So after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out.
The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man
jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!
He is lying on the floor moaning, "Jeez lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?"
"Helloooo!", says the blonde, "He has a licker license!"
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Old 10-31-2012, 11:00 PM   #1614 (permalink)
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I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few.
I noticed two large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked,
"Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them chirped,
"It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said,
"Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
That's the last thing I remember...
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