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Old 06-11-2006, 11:55 PM   #11 (permalink)
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that one is old
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Old 06-12-2006, 01:27 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Two Old Men Decide They Are Close To Their Last Days And Decide To Have
A Last Night On The Town. After A Few Drinks, They End Up At The Local
Brothel.

The Madam Takes One Look At The Two Old Geezers And Whispers To Her
Manager, ..... "go Up To The First Two Bedrooms And Put An Inflated Doll
In Each Bed. These Two Are So Old And So Drunk....... I'm Not Wasting
Two Of My Girls On Them. They Wont Even Know The Difference."

The Manager Does As He Is Told And The Two Old Men Go Upstairs And Take
Care Of Their Business.

An Hour Later As They Are Walking Home The First Man Says, "you Know, I
Think My Girl Was Dead!"

"dead?" Says His Friend, "why Would You Say That?"

"well, She Never Moved Or Made A Sound All The Time I Was Loving Her."

His Friend Says, "well........i Think Mine Was A Witch."

"a Witch?........ Why The Hell Would You Say That?"

"well....... I Was Making Love To Her, I Kissed Her On The Neck And I
Gave Her A Little Bite......................then She Farted And Flew
Out The Window. "
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Old 06-12-2006, 01:35 AM   #13 (permalink)
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They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One
thing led to another, and they decided to conduct an experiment: They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
convert it.



Seven days later, they were all together to discuss the experience.



Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and
had various bandages, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to
find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the
Catechism. That bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me
around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next
week to give him first communion and confirmation."



Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm
and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory
he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and
I FOUND a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another
until we came to a creek. I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.
And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. I spent the rest of
the day preaching to him and praising Jesus."



They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and
out of him. He was in really bad shape.



The rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may
not have been the best way to start."
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Old 06-13-2006, 09:54 PM   #14 (permalink)
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The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters,
fishermen, golfers and tourist in general to take extra precautions and
keep alert for alligators while in : Alachua, Marion, Lake, Collier, Lee,
Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard, Putnam and Orange counties.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on
their shoes or clothing to alert but not startle the alligators
unexpectedly.They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an
encounter with an alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.
People should learn to recognize the difference between small young
alligator droppings and large adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly
bird feathers. Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and
smell like pepper spray.<
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Old 06-14-2006, 03:16 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St .. Mary's Hospital.



Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.


Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.

























































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Old 06-14-2006, 09:58 PM   #16 (permalink)
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I hit end and saw the picture first, LOL
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Old 06-14-2006, 10:09 PM   #17 (permalink)
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It was time once again for the Annual Limerick Finals held in New York City this year and the two finalists had both come a long way to reach the final battle. First there was Professor Howard Jacobson from Harvard University who had used his grace and wit to make through the grueling rounds preceding this event. The second Finalist was Leroy Brown a local from Harlem with skills of language and rhyme that few could match.

The Judges instructed the two finalists that they each would have two minutes to come up with a limerick and there only rule was that they use the word Timbuktu. Both contestents seemed to ponder this for a moment and then sat to come up with their final submission.

Up First was Professor Jacobson, he stepped to the mike and retorted:

Men on camel two by two
On their way to Timbuktu
Way Across the distant lands
Along the way on burning sands
traveling many days the desert through

The crowd appluaded mightily and Leroy wasn't sure if he could top what he had heard. He approached the mike as said

Me and My oldest Brudda Tim
A Hunting we did go
We came upon these three pretty gals
A sleeping in a row
Since they was three and we was two
I bucked one and Timbuktu
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Old 06-15-2006, 01:16 PM   #18 (permalink)
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A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the

husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone

at a nearby table.



The wife asks, "Do you know her?"



"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right

after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."



"My goodness!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?"* *
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Old 06-17-2006, 05:19 PM   #19 (permalink)
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I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then
he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the
ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's a blonde) asked me
what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb
so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What are
you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly
stressed out. Go home and
recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the
office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her
"...And where do you think you're going?" She said, "I'm going home
too, I can't work in the dark!"
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Old 06-17-2006, 10:26 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Confessions


Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her
acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her
childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a
disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 year
old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo
much.

However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open
up and admit that he also had a deformity too. Jim looked
Sandy in the eyes and said.... "I too have a problem. My
penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could
deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with
your infant size penis."

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the
Honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and
they started touching, teasing, holding one another...

As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream
and ran out of the room!

Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. "You told me
you penis was the size of an infant!", she said.

"Yes it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"
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