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Old 06-19-2006, 01:16 AM   #21 (permalink)
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An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes
the old man farts and says,"Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says,
"What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm
ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and say, "Touchdown, tie
score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says,"Fieldgoal,
I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he
strains really hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally
unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he soils
the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides".
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Old 06-22-2006, 10:20 AM   #22 (permalink)
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The boys 1st time

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night & have dinner with her
parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out & make love for the
first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the
pharmacist it's his first time & the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to
buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack
because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house & meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in! " The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his
head. A minute passes, & the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head
down. 10 minutes pass, & still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20
minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over & whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious.” The boy turns, &
whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
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Old 06-22-2006, 12:08 PM   #23 (permalink)
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There are these 3 construction workers - one with black hair, one with brown hair, and one with blonde hair. The 3 men are sitting on a beam taking a lunch break when the one with black hair opens his lunch box and says "Dammit, if I get tuna one more time, I'm jumping off."

The one with brown hair opens his lunch box and says "Dammit, if I get ham one more time, I'm jumping off."

The blonde opens his lunch box and says "Dammit, if I get turkey one more time, I'm jumping off."

Well, the next day the 3 men are taking lunch together again and the one with black hair opens his box and sees its tuna. "That's it! I'm jumping!" he says, and then he jumps.

The one with brown hair opens his box and sees its ham. "That's it! I'm jumping!" he says, and he jumps too.

The blonde looks in his lunch box and sees its turkey again. "That's it! I'm jumping!" he says, and he jumps.

A few days later, the wives of the 3 men are at a group funeral for their husbands.

The black haired man's wife cries and says "If I had only known he hated tuna so much, he'd still be alive!"

The brown haired man's wife cries and says "If I had only known he hated ham so much, he'd still be alive!"

Everyone turns to look at the blonde haired man's wife waiting for her to say something. She looks back and says "What, he made his own lunch"
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Old 06-22-2006, 12:30 PM   #24 (permalink)
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I like those 2 last jokes... They are funny as heck...
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Old 06-22-2006, 12:38 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chris_36824
I like those 2 last jokes... They are funny as heck...
Yes the material has gotten better, I'd offer some myself but mine run a little more risque.
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Old 06-29-2006, 09:14 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant
others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all
drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.


First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head
sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much,
you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You
loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman
named Candy!"

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't
look good, Dick."
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Old 06-29-2006, 11:53 AM   #27 (permalink)
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A koala bear returned home from an exhausting trip. He just wanted to relax and have a few drinks. He went to the local dive to drown himself in alcohol when he was apporached by a prostitute.

The prostitute asked him if he would like to have a party. Having been away so long he decided to indulge himself. He went with her to her apartment and proceeded to have sex for hours. This was a great stress reliever to him.

At the end of the evening, the koala bear got up and was getting ready to leave. The prostitute stopped him and said, "hey what about my money?" to which the koala bear replied, "What money?"

She said, "Im a prostitute. If you look up prostitute in the dictionary, it says one who paid to have sex."

He says, Oh yeah, well if you look up Koala Bear in the dictionary, it says, One who eats bush and leaves."
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Old 06-29-2006, 12:10 PM   #28 (permalink)
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^^^^^^^^^That's funny.
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Old 07-02-2006, 06:06 PM   #29 (permalink)
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The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of
your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

“Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" asked the nun.

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front
of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little ABuccsFan raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little
ABuccsFan, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little ABuccsFan said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other
night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh
God, I'm coming!"

“If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The nun fainted.
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Old 07-02-2006, 08:03 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Ha? I guess.
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