by:
Lisa H
Dear Commissioner Roger Goodell-
We, the organization of the Oakland Raiders, wish to secede from the NFL and go out on our own. We no longer to wish to participate in your so-called league. You have taken all the fun out of playing the game, and made this once proud organization the laughingstock of organized sport.
Our reasons are varied, and listed below.
1- We used to be the bad guys of the NFL. Heck, our entire AFC West division used to have the motto, "where real men play." Now it's just a Sunday play date for other teams to beat us up. We used to hock loogies on players, throw dirt in their faces, and get into fights. We made cheap shots on the quarterback, and it was all fair play. Now, if we don't say "excuse me" after we sneeze, it's a yellow flag and a fifteen-yard penalty. Everything has become politically correct.
What happened to the mean game of twenty years ago? What happened to ripped jerseys? Your league made them tear-away so we couldn't throw running backs to the ground. What happened to psychological warfare tactics? Smack is no longer tolerated. What happened to stick-um up to our elbows? Enter corporate logo'd golf gloves. What happened to decking the quarterback if he had the ball in the pocket? Your league made us count the steps we are allowed to take before he releases the ball or we get the yellow hankie. We have news for you, Roger. We don't like counting anything but broken bones after we hit the field.
2- You have made the game a show, instead of a competition. Except for Joe Willy, none of us players ever cared about how we looked on the field. Now we see diamond studs the size of walnuts on players' ears, and our wives are complaining about their rocks not being big enough. We see players changing their last names to Spanish numbers to get more attention. We see players wearing sequined HOF jackets after only being in the league a few years. We see players hiding Sharpies in their socks and cell phones behind the goal posts. We see players with diamond-encrusted teeth who get tackled, and the tackler ends up helping that player look for his teeth on the field after the play. WTF???If a player ever danced on our mid-field logo, that was grounds for a fight, and the crowd loved it. Now we stand there pointing to refs to call a flag, like that's going to make us feel more manly. It's no longer about being a team. It's about individual showmanship. You have wimp-sized us to the point that even soccer players are now viewed as tougher than us.
3- Our fans are officially more feared than us. Been to Philly lately? The Black Hole? There's a reason why our fans are getting rougher, Roger. It's because we have gotten wimpier due to your leadership. Someone has to pick up the slack. If a team doesn't fear us, maybe our fans will get under their skin.
4- The game used to be a place where we could act out on our testosterone. We vomited before games because we were so nervous. We bit other players in the pile, spit on them unmercifully, taunted them at the line, stepped on them on purpose and hit receivers well after the overthrown ball landed behind them because we weren't watching to see if the ball was in their hands, we were taking advantage of decking the receivers. But since we can't do any of that anymore, many players have taken their hormones out into society. We used to be able to hit on the cheerleaders, and now even that's verboten. Think we're ticked?
You think those misfits would be getting into fights, doing drugs and breaking the law if they had an outlet to vent their hormonal rages? Football used to be that outlet. But now, we have to be polite on the field. It was coming Roger, you just didn't see it. What once was a place to flex our muscles is now just a social gathering. The Boy Scouts have more intense outings than we do.
No one cares about the game anymore. They care about endorsements. They care about what kind of car they drive, They care about not getting hurt. We used to play with broken bones every Sunday. Now, if a player gets a hangnail, he's on the stationery bike to work out the pain. They care about their hairstyle and wardrobe. We used to show up for camp with a "I can't wait to start playing" attitude. Now, players don't show up if their agent feels they are underpaid by a few mil. You have wimped us out and now we are taking our anger to the streets. It used to be if we acted up, we had to sit-out a game, the ultimate torture for a real player. Now, we give more and more chances for the Players' Union to actually earn some of their salaries by defending us when we act up. And give us more chances to act up. Our third-grade teachers showed more discipline than your so-called Personal Conduct Policy.
5- The league used to be a place where the entire reason why you played was for the love of the game. Now it's just a cash-cow for thugs. The whole point of the game was to be the last man standing. Now it's about selling the most jerseys, and being the lucky team who gets chosen to play for wimpy English fans who don't appreciate the game of football, all for the globalization of the NFL. It's all about money now. Why did you have to pick a tea and crumpets country that is renown for politeness? Why couldn't you have picked a place like Iraq? Our servicemen would have loved the opportunity to see us play in a hostile environment. If they can handle it, why can't we?
6- Our management BLEEPs. We have an owner who goes after sexy players instead of rough and tumble players. He wears white leisure suits and diamond-encrusted rose-BLEEP glasses. Our CEO is a woman! More political-correctness. Our fans can't buy single-season tickets to the Chargers games in San Diego because the Chargers want to minimize the danger-factor. Meanwhile, Pac-Man Jones has made a deal with the devil and gets to play again. Our once-proud image of bad boys is now better represented by Johnny Depp's character in Pirates of the Caribbean. The Silver and Black Attack is now gray. "Just win, baby" is no longer meaningful in the NFL, and has been replaced by "Show me the money."
In short, we can't do this anymore. We refuse to be a part of this league. When was the last time one of our players was arrested? It's downright embarrassing. The Bengals have beaten everyone to the punch, and have become the new misfits of the NFL. It used to be us, now it's them. We can't compete with them. While they are wimps on the field, they are monsters on the street. We are monsters on the field, but wimps in society. And who gets more press? They do.
One player abuses dogs and is sent to prison. Another is involved in a shooting that paralyzes someone and he gets to play. A baseball team is caught with blow-up dolls in their clubhouse, and everyone is shocked. It's their clubhouse. Boys will be boys. Quit emasculating them. A team gets caught videotaping play signals and everyone is in an uproar. Yeah, like nobody else steals signals? Think there is a reason why coaches hold laminated play sheets over their mouths when calling in plays? Why two bench-warmers surround the play-caller when he calls in the plays? We cheat. It's part of the game, and now there's a big stinking Federal case over it. Why can't you just let the teams settle their problems on the field. Where it used to belong?
The rules have changed, and we no longer wish to be part of this fiasco. We would rather play a real game in a local Oakland park, without pads. The point of the game has escaped you Roger. But not us. We've still got some fight left in us, despite your attempts to quell it.
It's time to leave a sinking ship when players are known more for their off-the-field antics than on-the-field feats.
Sincerely,
The Oakland Raiders
Dear Commish...we want out of this
Dear Commish...we want out of this
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