Biz News
NFL Launches Vegas Expansion Team
By Daniel H. Blazejewski
Jan 7, 2005, 10:42
Las Vegas Bandit tight end Ben Macintosh models his team uniform. It looks only slightly different with the shoulder pads.National Football League commissioner Paul Tagliabue announced yesterday the formation of four new expansion teams, the Honolulu Kahunas, Los Angeles Stars, Anchorage Ice, and the most highly anticipated team of the quadruplet, the Las Vegas Bandits. Named after the “one-armed bandits” that are ubiquitous on the Las Vegas strip, owner John McElroy hopes that the Bandits will follow their namesakes, taking everything and giving up the big play only on very rare occasions.
McElroy, a multi-billionaire who made his fortune off of Internet gambling and ownership of literally thousands of pornographic sites, said, “Today is a great day for the beautiful, shining city of Las Vegas. We finally have a football team to call our own. Once Kenny Rogers Stadium is completed, tourists and citizens alike will have a whole new venue for gambling and betting. Will the Bandits win? We don’t know, but we’ll give you 20 to 1 odds in favor, how do you like that?”
Though the initial color scheme for the team was a subdued navy blue, much like the New York Giants, a recent shift has taken place making the uniforms gaudier than the outfit of a Vegas showgirl. Additionally, league rules state that in keeping with their city’s historical tapestry, the Bandits will become the only team in history required to wear more makeup than the two-dollar whores who roam the streets looking for drunken, cash-strapped Johns. However, soon after that arrangement was finalized, the agreement was altered so that the Bandits will appear in uniform dressed as Elvis.
A rivalry is already forming between the Bandits and their geographic neighbors, the Arizona Cardinals. Bandit quarterback Thomas Junkson said, “We’re gonna school those little birdies! We may be the ones wearing makeup when it starts, but it’s all gonna rub off by the time the contest is over, I promise you that.”
Cardinal head coach Dennis Green responded with an ingenious, “Oh yeah, well, what if I sit my starting quarterback unexpectedly in the middle of the season again for no apparent reason? Huh? What’re you going to do then, big shot?”
"Cheerleader" Tracy Arnet models her squad's uniform during the press conference announcing the team's creation. They will break new ground with on-field pole-dancing.Tagliabue and McElroy also believe that the Bandit “cheerleaders” will be a huge draw for the crowd. “Yeah, they’ll come out in these skimpy little beaded numbers, like Tracy is modeling here,” said McElroy. “But with every point scored, they’ll lose an item of clothing until they’re dancing with their pom-poms wearing nothing but the flimsiest of G-strings and a great big smile. We’re also exploring the feasibility of having dancing poles on the sidelines. That kind of thinking is how I made my billions, and I think that it’s going to continue to work here, too.”
Bandit tight end Ben Macintosh said, “Well, hell, yeah, having the cheerleaders strip is going to be a huge incentive to score points. We won’t just stop at winning, either, we’ll run up the score on opposing teams whenever we can, just to get the girls into the skimpiest outfit available. I can’t believe that nobody thought of doing this before.”
Wide receiver Andre Thalmus is not so enthusiastic. “I really wanted to play for the Ice,” said Thalmus, “but I got sent down here instead. It’s the middle of the [expletive deleted] desert, man! There ain’t nothin’ here but pimps, hos, and people lookin’ to lose their cash. I hate this city. I’ll make receptions, because I’m a player, after all, but I won’t like it.” He paused, then added carefully, “But I think that I will like the cheerleaders.”
NFL Expansion?
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